"The truth is, true contentment can’t be gained any other way. It must be learned. In headaches and housework. In boom and bust. In singleness and marriage.

The Lord desires to teach us contentment in every season and circumstance."

link

I am five hours too late... but it'll be okay.

I gave up my iPod for Lent. It was painful at first, because I love listening to music on the subway.



My heart has been in odd states these days, particularly this semester. It's been experiencing a particular cycle. It remembers the times that church people have ignored it, slandered it, ostracized it. It remembers the times that church people have ignored and ostracized other people close to its heart. It then hardens toward strangers.

My heart has gone through days this semester of intense bitterness and hatred toward others (again, mostly toward Christians I have known). The snotty ones. The ones who can't get enough of the popularity game. The ones who keep complaining without realizing how much they actually have.

There are days when my heart has close to zero expectations when it comes to Christians. While it's good to not put people up to high expectations, it's hardly any healthier to be completely jaded.

There are days when I feel like snubbing people, in particular, the Christian jerks. I think I have a love-hate relationship with Christians.

Going back to the cycle:

At at some point this semester, I remember myself in tears telling my prayer group leader:

"If you're a Christian and you still act like a jerk toward others, I will find you utterly hopeless because you should know better. I won't want to be your friend and I won't want to talk to you because I strongly feel it will be a waste of my time."

I wasn't crying because Christians can be jerks... It's simply that my heart often found itself in tears because while they can be jerks, my heart is actually being changed and affected by this. It really doesn't want to serve everybody at her future church groups anymore. It wants to be more selective. It wants to serve the Christians who "deserve" it, the people who actually exhibit the fruits of the spirit. It detests so much of the church people these days. But it was and still is God's command to love everybody, even your "enemies." There is no room for selectivity in God's love.

So in short, my heart got bitter and then got torn about being so bitter. Then I'd hang out with friends and church people and realize that the people at my current church are really nice actually. But then my heart remembers the past and then it gets bitter again. And this is the cycle.

I repeat, I think I have a love-hate relationship with Christians. The Killers' "All These Things That I've Done" puts it nicely:

Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection....

I found myself meditating on this issue of mine during the time of Lent. I went to a great Easter service and dinner at my church. I feel encouraged.

But the real moral of the story?

I should know better.

Happy Easter 2009. He is risen.

 Not all of their songs appeal to me but I'm definitely listening to some Kings of Leon songs on repeat.

don't knock it, don't knock it



So good!

Two of the band members are from Oklahoma. Another win. A win for what, I don't know, but it's always good to see another Oklahoman or two in some sort of success. I have often felt that Oklahoma often gets shut out of recognition. I also have this secret dream that Oklahoma breeds great talent.